@SoVeryBritish

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

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@nattylumpo88

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

@PondHockeyPro

Never trust a woman with a shovel, she’s not planting flowers fella.

@dafloydsta

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

@TheMichaelRock

Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.

@PaperWash

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

@TheAlexNevil

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

@KickSumHunibuns

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

@Tw1tter_K1tten

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.