I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
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Never trust a woman with a shovel, she’s not planting flowers fella.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I lost my job today
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Pepper spray does not taste like pepper.
Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.