mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?