Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…