Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

I’d rather go liquor treating.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

ㅤ

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”