Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.