Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

bros in the example zone 😭

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered