Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
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Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
Another day, another…goddammit
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Does this dress make me look cat?
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”