Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
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No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.