@paulbarbar_II

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

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@ViewsFrmJay

My goal is to have $50,000 in my bank account by New Years, I already got $2.93

@elunatyk

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

@lizetagge

Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store…

@jctwritesstuff

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

@anerdonfire2

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

@andytwined

I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

@joeheenan

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

@AndRyanTF

You ever watch a really stupid person for like 10 mins and wonder how they haven’t been hit by a train or carried off by a giant eagle yet?