Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

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My goal is to have $50,000 in my bank account by New Years, I already got $2.93


I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.


Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store…


Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?


Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party


I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.


9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.


Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken


You ever watch a really stupid person for like 10 mins and wonder how they haven’t been hit by a train or carried off by a giant eagle yet?