Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
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Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.