Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

Any refunds available?…

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.