Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

ㅤ

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

How to draw a duck

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’