Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles