Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

How does one answer this?

CRYING

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.