Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing