Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
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From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Girl, same.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
