Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.