Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
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[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.