Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
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You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
How dude HOW?!
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Not all heroes wear capes…
