Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

Duolingo getting serious.

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

marvel comics have peaked

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine