Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
🤣
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
