Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Dear Lord..
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
