Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
