The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
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Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon