Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
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Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
LOL!
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking