Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
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I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
good let them take over I have had enough
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