Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
