Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
