Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

This kid is going places

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.