Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
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Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
This is a bad sign
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news