Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
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I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either