Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
You Might Also Like
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help