Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
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[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.