Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.