Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
getting seasonal up in here
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
