Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

My kitchen overserved me.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.