Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
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Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
