Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”