Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*