Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling