‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
You Might Also Like
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo