Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
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even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”