Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
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DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
We don’t deserve birds.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.