Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
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Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair