Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”