Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
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Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Feels
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada