Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
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how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Labreador
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
This kinda thing happens to me often
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I wish this was real life…
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.