Things will get butter, keep churning
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My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.