Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
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Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Uh oh 👀
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!