Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

I’M CRYINGGG

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

HELP 😭

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.