Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

OH. COME. ON.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone