Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
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My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
This raises questions
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.