Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
You Might Also Like
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
can’t catch a break
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry