Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal