Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

The asteroid..

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

this has done me in for some reason

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again