Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

This made me chuckle cuz mood

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is