#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
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Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Natty or not?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.