Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐