#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
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My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane