Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you don’t understand how floors work

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

Coffee for people with no kids

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

all that yoga finally paid off

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting