think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
You Might Also Like
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Kermit goes Blue.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances