Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
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How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that鈥檚 what they TOLD me to say.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
It鈥檚 adorable how breakfast assumes we鈥檙e all able to fast.
Leave Twitter just because it鈥檚 lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I鈥檓 a public school teacher 馃槄
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Erm I’m gonna say no
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
God: you鈥檙e my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 馃榾
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who鈥檚 my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that鈥檚 cool 馃檨
God: oh he鈥檚 super duper cool
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
It鈥檚 adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it鈥檚 a brilliant idea they鈥檝e never heard before.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
