Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
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My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
This is a bad sign
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
We have a winner.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters