Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
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yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
