think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits