think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
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*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.