Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Milk Cube

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

I have two kinds of followers

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

I hope it’s French Onion!

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that