Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
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I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place