Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
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9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.