Think I pulled my liver
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i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.