Think I pulled my liver
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Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her